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I used to try really hard to be nice, but I’ve gotten over it now—and I would like others to get over it, too. Because at work, “being nice” is a trap.
I first noticed this early in my management profession, before I became a HR director. I used to be working on a merger and a junior team member was desperate to take on a key role. Deep down, I knew she wasn’t ready. But I desired to be there Pretty leader. So I ignored my instincts and engaged in what creator Kim Scott called “destructive empathy.” In my desire to present this teammate what she wanted, I set her up for failure in a tough negotiation. The result: anxiety attacks for her and a huge headache for the team.
I’m not the only one who desires to be liked at work. And I consider that this may be especially difficult for many women. Women are told to smile and be conditioned to please others. It is no coincidence that we use more smiley faces in our communication. Not to say, one study shows Stereotypes of middle-aged women as “less nice” can hinder their careers.
However, throughout my profession in HR, I have noticed that politeness dominates our skilled lives—and that is a mistake.
Here’s why and what you can do as a substitute:
The Problem with Being Nice
Conflict is inevitable for any productive team. Yet our desire to be liked—to not ruffle feathers and create “artificial harmony”—is constant. Telling someone “no” or “we need to try harder” doesn’t bring many smiles. So we avoid it and double down on being liked. But by selecting niceness over real engagement, we miss the opportunity to encourage improvement. “Nice” has a chilling effect on growth.
Ultimately, this tendency to be nice applies Younot the person you are “nice” to. It’s about wanting to be liked at the expense of being honest. There is a selfishness in prioritizing “nice” that is not far from the selfishness of the workplace tyrant. The nice coworker and the mean one emphasize their very own interests. And each attitudes have the same effect: they prevent the team from growing. Nice people (like mean people) don’t really care about the group’s performance.
So what’s the alternative? Kindness.
I know — being nice sounds a lot like being nice, but the distinction is key. Being nice is about feeling like a “good guy.” Being nice is about what you can do for others. In other words, being nice is about telling people what to want hear, and kindness is to inform them what they wish to hear. need to listen to.
The path to kindness
When I fall into the “kindness trap,” I pull myself out by acknowledging that I did something for myself. On the other hand, if my motivation is to assist others or to assist a larger company, then I know I’m headed in the right direction—toward kindness.
Once I know my purpose is rooted in kindness, I have a few key tactics that help me achieve it. These are especially helpful for frontline managers and executive team members, but building a culture of kindness is everyone’s job.
1. First, build trust
Even the kindest feedback in the world shall be dead if no one trusts your intentions. Research shows that workplaces where people trust each other have higher levels of productivity. And why is that? Because when I trust you, I can hear you. I stop considering we are opponents and start believing we are on the same team. As a result, I can take motion and improve.
2. Take Radical Responsibility
Calling attention to a missed deadline or asking about an offended customer is ultimately a nice thing to do because it makes the team higher. Being Accountable to Yourself – Asking About Obstacles You also produced – will prove that your motivations are not punitive. On the other hand, a nice leader who lets every thing slide only increases the likelihood of stagnation in the team’s personal development.
3. Talk to someone, not about someone
Hidden criticism are more common than we’d prefer to admit. But when accountability has develop into a given in the office, it’s fair to expect more direct types of feedback. If you have a problem with someone’s performance (or attitude), you could be inclined to seek advice from their manager, but kindness dictates that you first tell them to their face and give them a likelihood to reply. I know that may be stressful. Kindness often takes more courage than politeness.
4. Prepare for the “fight.”
As a team leader at Pantheon, I designate moments where conflict is encouraged—moments where we discuss different perspectives in a secure space. I’ll tell the team, “This is time for thunder.“It’s a surprising form of kindness because by giving conflict a formal arena, people feel free to drop their defensiveness and passive-aggressive tones. They know it’s safe to argue. Breakthroughs and creative new ideas often come from the turmoil.
ROI of kindness
Changing the culture from kindness to friendliness creates space for honesty, accountability, and fearless conflict. The results are profound for the bottom line — productivity and excellence are growing when our worries about “being nice” finally disappear.
Employee satisfaction also increases. That’s because when coworkers stop spouting platitudes and develop into realistic about what’s working and what’s not, we learn that somebody actually cares about what we do. We learn that our work matters and that others depend on our efforts. A friendly workplace reminds us that our contribution is crucial to the success of the entire team.
Of course, all of those advantages of kindness don’t come for free. It takes real work to go beyond the easy “being nice” attitude. I can only provide ongoing mentoring and feedback to a few dozen people at most. So the ultimate return on the investment in kindness has to be that it inspires others to do the same—to share the load. It’s as much as all of us to pay it forward and create a culture of kindness together.