Going through the motions
The motivated tend to not be fully present with the people they love. “Presence” implies that you are focused and engaged in the here and now, reasonably than distracted, mentally absent or adrift. Your mind is continually working, considering and solving problems. Consider how this affects your relationships. How unimportant it makes people feel.
This includes forgetting birthdays and anniversaries, being late for vital family events, and only physically attending an event.
Brett Kaufman, founding father of the real estate development company Kaufman Development, feels an inner pain when he recalls the times when he was not present for his son: “Many times he said to me, ‘Dad, did you hear me?’ ? “
Mark O’Donnell has a similar story. “I have a number of examples of my kids asking, ‘Can you play with me?’ and me who says no because I used to be either exhausted from the day or I used to be actively considering about a problem or opportunity I wanted to resolve.
“It’s painful to think about all those times and the way it’s manifesting itself now. Eventually my son stopped asking. He played a key role in my entrepreneurial profession. My first daughter was born before I began the company, and my second daughter was born after the business was already successful. I had more freedom and focused on being more balanced. I used to be still occasionally distracted in her presence, but I used to be aware of what I used to be doing.
“With my son, I had no idea what I was doing or the impact my mental control was having.”
Brett and Mark’s stories are not unique, as many determined entrepreneurs are continually distracted, which ends up in strained relationships with family and friends.
Pain relief
Justin Breen, CEO of BrEpic Communications LLC and writer of “Epic Life: How to Build Collaborative Global Companies While Putting Your Loved Ones First,” wrote an article in Inc. Magazine in which he described common wounds entrepreneurs have experienced.
He states: “I have yet to satisfy an entrepreneur who has not experienced at least one of the following situations:
- Bankruptcy or potential bankruptcy
- Increased anxiety levels
- Depression
- Traumatic experiences from childhood or youth.”
When Justin shared these 4 with me in conversation, my jaw dropped as I noticed that I had experienced all 4.
Add a fifth item to Justin’s list: “addiction.”
Addiction is the compulsion to do something in excess that is not good for you: work, food, porn, drugs, alcohol, gambling, television, social media, gaming or shopping, to call a few. These addictions have a soothing effect on determined entrepreneurs because they assist numb and distract you from your inner pain and provide you with the dopamine you crave.
It may sound crazy, but for a determined entrepreneur, building a multi-million dollar company is soothing. They can get lost and numb in the hustle and bustle of building a business. They never have to stop and look inside themselves, so as to never think that they carry any pain inside them.
The solution is to grasp and accept the pain. Accepting it would speed up the means of eliminating it. It will soon be gone.
A 2015 study by Michael A. Freeman, clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco School of Medicine and a recognized expert in the mental health of entrepreneurs, found that 49% of entrepreneurs had faced some style of mental health challenge:
“People who are energetic, motivated and creative are more entrepreneurial and more likely to have strong emotional states.”
Freeman also noted that “different people have different strengths and different weaknesses. For business people, if you are an executive, manager or founder, you must understand and manage yourself so which you could play to your strengths and have strategies to deal with your weaknesses.
Another 10 Discipline client, Mike Sullivan, president and CEO of Loomis, a full-service promoting agency, lost half of his revenue in 90 days.
“It was terror,” he said. “Cutting my income, shedding people I loved and finding the energy to rebuild my business was greater than I could handle.
“I think many entrepreneurs imagine they thrive under intense pressure and even wear it as a badge, but to me this is a grossly overrated orientation. At the time, my winning formula didn’t involve much self-care. I’ve learned the hard way that too much stress is brutal on the mind, body and spirit. It was actually the most miserable time of my life. Worse still, I had no scaffolding to catch my fall. And boy did I fall.
“It began with sleepless nights and mounting anxiety that eventually turned into gut-wrenching, all-consuming stress. So I did what many self-respecting entrepreneurs do. I went to the doctor for a prescription. I used to be given clonazepam to calm me down. I also tried several sleep prescriptions with various degrees of effectiveness. I used to be even put on Adderall to assist me focus and give me energy so I could work extra hard and fast to rebuild my business.
“The negative effects of the drugs made the situation much worse. Before I knew it, I used to be sinking into severe clinical depression. Then I attempted suicide. This resulted in a mandatory week-long stay in a hospital psychiatric ward, which, in retrospect, actually turned out to be a bull’s-eye. It was a gigantic wake-up call. My business is not value my life. Nothing was value the terrible toll my coping strategies took on my family. It was a very scary time for all of us.
“Over the last few years I have radically modified my way of considering, incorporating many resources, including a great therapist, and stopping my medications.
“Ten years later, my business has never been stronger and, more importantly, I have never been healthier and happier. Since then, as all the time, there have been setbacks, but my ability to manage with the ups and downs has grown by leaps and bounds.
This lack of peace in your life is not obligatory. There is no feeling of emptiness either. You’re just attempting to fill a gap that cannot be filled with “stuff” from the outside world.
Using 10 disciplines, we’ll show you the way to bridge this gap and experience a sense of wholeness. For now, the purpose of this discovery is to assist you realize what it means to be driven – the good, the bad, and the ugly.