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I used to be at my daughter’s dance recital when I received the news that modified our lives: My husband, Harry, had cancer.
Harry and I met in Germany when I had just turned 30. I moved there for work and fell in love with it from the first day I saw it. He had a contagious smile and a way of moving through life that each honored the small moments and created space for the big adventures during our 19 years together.
Harry was a planner who ensured he lived a full life – but there was no groundwork that would have prepared us for the last two years of his life, which he spent battling cancer. These were the hardest years my family and I experienced, but in addition they taught me the most about love, hope, and leadership.
As the leader of a global company supporting seniors through home care, I’m used to helping caregivers and families facing loss, but losing Harry was a completely different experience. I hit all-time low and learned a lot about how we show up and talk about grief.
Death and sadness are inevitable in life, but even in my industry we must talk about it more. Although it could be awkward, the more we normalize conversations about death and grief, the higher we are in a position to support those around us who are affected by grief. Here’s what my experience has taught me:
Being vulnerable builds higher relationships in the workplace
As the CEO of a rapidly growing company, I used to be accustomed to showing as much as work with a positive attitude to set the tone for my team. However, as I dealt with the loss of Harry and the hardest obstacle of my life, I made a decision not to cover what I used to be going through from my team. Instead, I got here to work exactly as I at all times did.
For me, the best way I could support my team and myself was to be honest about what I used to be going through. If I used to be sad one day, I might tell my co-workers about it. I didn’t wish to be on my toes, and it was vital that my team felt comfortable including me in work conversations. If I expected transparency, I had to guide by example.
By grieving openly, I spotted there was a deeper level of vulnerability that I could tap into, which strengthened many of my connections in the workplace. The more open I became with my team, the easier it was to seek out balance.
Being vulnerable at work has long been seen as weakness or unprofessionalism, but opening as much as my team about my sadness has brought us closer together. It has also given us a more personal understanding of how we can higher care for our clients and the caregivers who support them on an ongoing basis as they face health challenges.
There is a reason most leading research involves susceptibility to higher team performance and a stronger sense of trust and inclusion in the company culture.
Supporting our “whole person” at work allows for higher results
Having experienced one of the worst cards that life could throw at me, after Harry’s death I started to reassess what was vital to me each in life and in work.
Not only has my façade of putting my best self forward at work faded, but my conversations with my team have also modified. I’ve at all times been interested in my team as people, but knowing our mortality made me much more focused on learning about their hopes and dreams. I holistically supported my team and myself in achieving our true potential, each personally and professionally.
When you have been broken and overcome the hardest obstacle you have ever faced, you realize that you just can overcome anything. Instead of focusing on rigid goals and outcomes, we focused on what matters most and trusted our ability to deliver the best results.
As we became more centered and fulfilled in all features of our lives, we began to see amazing results. I began inviting everyone I wanted to attach with for coffee or dinner, and if I had to select up my daughter from school, I left work at 3 p.m. without feeling guilty.
It’s amazing what life you can create if you set the right energy and focus into it. As we made room for our personal goals, we thrived much more professionally – our Caregiver Network Promoter scores rose from a low 60 to a world-class rating of 74 and we saw significantly less turnover. Not only did we refocus on fun, balance, and pursuing our dreams, but we created more autonomy for each other in doing our jobs.
Normalizing conversation about death and mourning at work
Whenever I do any public speaking now, I attempt to talk about Harry. It may make people feel uncomfortable at first, but then they at all times come and thank me.
When you normalize conversations about death and grief, you create space for people to heal and, in turn, help those that support them. At work, we’re used to maintaining skilled boundaries, and that is healthy, but there’s room for conversations about death and grief.
Dr. Brene Brown, widely known for her work on shame, vulnerability, and leadership, suggests clarification of intention for sharing sensitive information, equivalent to experiences of bereavement or death at work.
For example, in our work, families and carers can support someone with a terminal illness. Just acknowledging the conversation about death can result in recent ways of ensuring happiness and joy at every stage of their journey, until the very end.
It’s been almost three years since I lost Harry. This experience has eternally modified the way I live and lead. I like the life I had when Harry was alive. And in many ways my life is even fuller now because I higher understand find out how to live it – that is the gift Harry gave me.
I hope that by creating a work culture where speaking openly about grief is encouraged, my team will find more connection and support in the face of this inevitable human experience.